Australia's outback roadhouses
Ten rules on animals, drinks, food, magazines and more
The outback roadhouse is both an Australian icon and an essential part of any big drive through remote desert areas. But before venturing into one, you should know what to expect, otherwise you could be in for a bit of a surprise. However, there are some things you can practically guarantee, such as...
Animals: Every roadhouse has an animal that looks on the verge of death tethered up outside. The further away you are from civilisation you are, the more bizarre that animal will be. So, not far out from the city, it’s a flea-bitten dog. In absolute whoop-whoop it’ll be a llama, emu or giant panda.
Drinks: If there is a bar inside, there will be just one man drinking. This applies whatever time of day you rock up, be it 7.30am or late at night when you’d half expect it to be full of drunk truckers.
Food: Your choice of eating options consists of a steak sandwich or a bacon and egg roll. Vegetables and salads are what food eats, and if you don’t agree, then get out.
Grease: Whichever culinary delight you choose, it will be greasier than the Alaskan coastline circa the Exxon Valdez disaster.
Snacks: Inside there will be a small shop, selling various things you really don’t need. However, every time you stop for petrol, you will come out armed with ice creams, bottles of fizzy drinks and packets of crisps. Don’t try and fight it. It’s unavoidable.
Music: Inside the shop, there will be a selection of tapes. That selection will consist largely of bad country music, with a live recording of a foul-mouthed comedian and The Best Of The Eagles thrown in for good measure. There will also be something completely leftfield and incongruous, such as Let’s Get It Started by MC Hammer.
Reading: The shop will also have a few magazines to choose from. 85% of these are required by law to come in a plastic wrapper.
Signs: Outside there will be a wacky sign, along the lines of ‘Population: 4 (humans), 1,340,892 (flies)’ or ‘Next Stop: The 19th century’.
Claims: Each roadhouse will have its own highly unlikely claim, be at that it’s haunted, regularly visited by aliens or the inspiration for a really famous song. This, of course, is utter nonsense.
Hygeine: The toilets will be absolutely disgusting and should only be used if in dire need. Many of them will also have assorted animals inside them. Half of the fun is not knowing whether they can kill you.
More in Travel
Latest Articles